unearthed;

2012-01-29T11:31:00.001Z

2012-01-24T20:27:00.001Z

What eats through fibers, salt
And sting, our hands defeat.
We make our journey comforting—
Wood masts rot, or is it just

That planks reflect the gutter light
Of daybreak? Dawns we wake
To smoke of rusted galley stoves.
From buckets, swabbing hieroglyphs,

The story going on the wall.
Our prayer: Consume
My heart away. The seaman's
Cough, the first mate shrill.

Brass canteen, directory and quills
Coursing under foam, holds
Stocked with flour, rosaries.
We keep the books. We keep

And write it down, and look
For tell-tale signs.
An albatross. Whale whiteness
In the sky. The bleakness

Of our tarnished boat, the afterglows
Of beach. A voyage
We've been on so long.
But weren't we spoken to?

These rocking waves, vast winds.
No laws. Not here.
No laws, no hearth, no heart,
No dowry dress, we mean no harm.

- To the New World, Valerie Duff

2012-01-21T13:07:00.002Z

hahaha yesterday becca and I were making blueberry yoghurt pancakes for dinner, and ice lemon bubble tea with mango-flavoured pearls. SO FUN. I love fridays.

haven't been so sustainably happy in a very long time, thankyou

2012-01-20T12:10:00.002Z

while trying to break in a new pair of shoes, I hurt my heel rather badly (hate new shoes). and now the only things I can wear without killing my feet are heels, because they make me walk on the balls of my foot and not the heel. how ironic. and it is not fun walking to school every day in heels.

2012-01-17T23:51:00.001Z

do what's easy
steal every red cent out of the wishing well
smoke cigarettes until your chest rattles like hell
just do what's easy

waste every evening
don't ever read and don't ever write
never leave home and get drunk every night
just do what's easy

hate completely
let every wall feel the force of your fist
forget your debts cause forgiveness exists
just do what's easy

2012-01-13T00:17:00.001Z

HI SHIMS. a shoutout to my most loyal fan. HAHA.

2012-01-11T16:48:00.001Z

what devil's magic does tom ford put in his nail varnishes???????

I WANT A BOTTLE. but also, extremely poor now ):

2012-01-10T14:12:00.001Z

this could be it, don't fuck this up

2012-01-09T21:53:00.002Z

so I start the new year with a box full of loose ends.

still, I'm kinda sorta happy so I guess that counts for something! happy new year everybody.

2011-12-25T20:51:00.000Z

so this is christmas, I hope you had fun

the near and the dear one

the old and the young

2011-12-24T22:02:00.003Z

spent the 23rd and today helping out at some homeless people shelter and I must say I had a good time! there were wayy too many volunteers and too little needy persons, but it's great chatting to people who've come from all walks of life. everyone's so nice and smiley too, yay festive spirit! I had to chat with a few homeless people today, and it really puts one's overly sheltered life into perspective. And makes you feel extremely helpless, because I had absolutely no idea what to talk to them about. You can't ask them where they live, or what they do for a living, and you feel so bad telling them you have an apartment right in central london and study at a university which charges you £14k a year for tuition fees. So you basically just smile at them, stare at your feet and make extremely small talk about london weather.

good experience. merry xmas (:

2011-12-23T00:20:00.003Z

some things remind me that deep down inside I haven't changed all that much, and that's somewhat comforting. my holiday traditions-- rewatching the entire run of himym (my 4th run haha! I'm such a loser), rereading my favouritest novel in the world (the secret history by donna tartt, seriously best book ever), and just binging on icecream by the tub every day. I do this routine every single holiday and it is awesomely satisfying. whoohoo holidays!

2011-12-22T21:28:00.005Z

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

I feel so warm and fuzzy inside all the time now I JUST WANT TO HUG THE WORLD

This year has been absolutely craaaazy, I loved every bit of it as much as I hated it. it was terrible, ugly, painful, but such a great ride. may every year be so amazing.

okay scrap that, one year of this shit is great but a life full of such nonsense would really be terrible aha

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me?

She showed me her room, wasn't it good, Norwegian wood?

2011-12-16T21:27:00.000Z

malta!

in that dream moving slow through the morning

2011-12-15T13:59:00.001Z

cute cashier at pret gave me a clementine with my peppermint tea, smiled and told me to have a good day. I love london.

2011-12-13T15:57:00.002Z

holidays <3

happy (:

2011-12-12T01:28:00.002Z

starting to hit me that all the complicated shit that comes to me actually happens because of me. hmm. not cool.

2011-12-08T00:41:00.002Z

hahaha HAD THE MOST AWESOME WHIRLWIND FRIENDSHIP(S) ever today, talk about hitting it off immediately.

today was a day of utter impromptu-- rashly jumping onto a train to harrods where we ate a hugeass christmas sundae, then going over to ym's place to send her off to sg (boo), meeting her JC friends and offering to show them the restaurant they wanted to have dinner at, but ending up giving them a tour of london then stopping for a drink at a pub and many rounds of bridge at my place.

a good end to the first term of my last year!

2011-12-05T16:40:00.004Z

Emotions overwhelm me in really random situations. today I was in the middle of a 2hour lecture when it suddenly hit me out of the blue that in about 6 months' time I would be back in singapore permanently and having to deal with employment, and then there's no turning back from adulthood afterwards. had a mild panic attack in my head during which I contemplated jumping out of my seat and dashing through the doors, hopefully disappearing forever. HAHA. so melodramatic.

I have no idea why the future intimidates me so much these days, I am going to attribute it to monthly womanly woes. hormones are always a great scapegoat-- they can't defend themselves.

last night I had a dream that I was in a car which hit a girl, and when I turned backwards to look at her lifeless form she was blue with eyes wide open and her brains were blown all over the sidewalk. I only remembered it while walking to school, when I saw a pigeon nearly being hit by a truck. all so disconcerting.

2011-12-05T16:38:00.002Z

"This christmas I've decided to put mistletoe in my back pocket so all the people I don't like can kiss my ass."

2011-12-04T00:36:00.004Z

late night drink-in-hand ramblings from becca on my balcony: 'you know what he is? he is a hot potato anyone who touches should drop immediately. NO scrap that-- at least potatoes are nice to eat. he's like, he's like a hot tree bark!'

cambridge tomorrow (:

2011-12-02T00:26:00.001Z

in the morning I'll be with you

but it'll be a different kind

I'll be holding all the tickets

and you'll be owning all the fines

2011-12-01T00:03:00.000Z

you have no fucking idea how painful a mood can be.

2011-11-30T19:47:00.007Z

on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

some days all I want to do is to curl up under the bedsheets and go to sleep, hoping for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to come and go until today finally becomes better. I switch off the lights and try to sleep, but it is too early for sleep and so I stare at the ceiling. the darkness is slightly frightening and I feel alone. I want to feel alone. the prospect of life is absolutely terrifying; I don't know what to do that is right or wrong anymore and I am paralysed. these are the days I wish I was stranded alone on a desert island. I want to sit motionlessly for hours on end and just stare at nothing in particular, with empty thoughts running through my head and letting waves upon waves of nondescript sadness wash over me until the storm passes and all is bright again.

/sometimes when I sit outside on my balcony with the wind howling all around me, I feel as if I am really waiting for godot. haha.

2011-11-29T19:07:00.002Z

I.cannot.wait.for.school.to.end.

The holidays cannot come soon enough!! going to spend most of my time here in dear old London, and am excited about it. taking a short trip to malta for some winter suntanning (okay probably not) with becca, and then after the new years will be going to berlin and hopefully poland to freeze our asses off and enjoy us some culture.

other than that, the rest of the holidays is going to be for me and myself! getting back on the sketching train, finding books I'm going to read, sitting in cafes and acting cool, taking trips out to the UK myself and maybe I shall try my hand at watercolour painting! and ym introduced me to a very cool site called www.pinterest.com which has cool DIY projects which I would love to do. YAY. oh and of course, there's the catching up with work bit which I'm not so excited about :/

so much to do! life is too short.

2011-11-28T23:23:00.001Z

Oh Little Wisdom,
something will find you, some nose, cold,
some sound, bark, some cough, some hush now,
some pain gone forth to meet the place
yours was, some vine cut from the gut,
some Juned-up sun, some tread, some mite.

- Army of Another, Nance Van Winckel

2011-11-27T16:32:00.004Z

We should take a panoramic view,
for flowers have never appeared,
never arisen,
never vanished,
flowers have never been flowers,
space has never been space,
and space flowers
give forth space fruit and drop space seeds,

and since what we perceive
are the five petals
opening the flowers of space, we should see
the flower form of all things,
since anything
that can be imagined is a flower and fruit
of space.
If there is a single cloud in the eye,
flowers in the sky
will tumble in all directions.

-Flowers of space, Amy Catanzano

2011-11-26T13:23:00.001Z

Me, totemo utsukushi desu ne totemo utsukushi me o shite imasu.

2011-11-23T13:53:00.001Z

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Undying sympathy, unfailing love.

Amen to that. Rar almost there~

2011-11-22T23:52:00.001Z

"I've known perfectly that you knew I took trouble for you; and that knowledge has been for me, and I seemed to see it was for you, as if there was something- I don't know what to call it!- between us".

2011-11-21T22:57:00.005Z

note to self: it is always a bad idea to take shots and do jaegerbombs with your dearest housemate when you're trying to finish a 2k word essay on the frigging philosophy of law, even if they were a peace offering!!

then again most geniuses (genii?) complete their greatest works of art under the influence of alcohol right?? I bet they weren't trying to formulate a coherent argument about the substantive neutrality of law and its separability from the point of its existence though ):

heehee. I'm so sick of having no life for the past 2 weeks ): WHEN WILL THIS MISERY END. I need to learn to be more efficient and productive, I think the current 2 sentences per hour rate of essay writing is killing my social life.

... YOU DON'T SAY

2011-11-20T10:42:00.004Z

wales is breathtakingly beautiful, but kinda like sevensisters! not in a bad way, just sayin'.

and thanks to taking time off for a daytrip (whoo) I AM OFFICIALLY SCREWED because my essays are all incomplete and in a mess and two of them are due tmr ): I have no idea what I'm doing here.

I cannot wait for the coming week to end, god I deserve a break

edit: the worst thing about essays is how you first agonize so badly about how to hit the word limit, then proceed to go grossly above having to agonize once more about how to trim off 500 fucking words. FOR BOTH ESSAYS. kill me now swiftly and mercifully PLEASE

2011-11-18T12:08:00.002Z

It is taking every ounce of willpower for me to stick my butt firmly on this chair and not up and leave for covent garden to shop.

2011-11-17T21:33:00.002Z

hahahhaa you know the feeling you get when you chance upon something you once wrote like many years ago when you were an immature, stupid, young thing? oh gosh CRINGE ALERT. I was such an emokid when I was younger, you have no idea (for those who would like to say that I'm still an emokid, YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE WORST omg) may no one on earth ever see it hahahaha

I need to invent a time machine, go back into the past and take my younger self by the shoulders and WRING MYSELF VERY HARD. tell her that dude, life gets infinitely tougher when you're older so just suck it up you stupid kid.

2011-11-17T00:28:00.003Z

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW INCREDIBLY HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW.

DEATHCAB FOR CUTIEEE~~~ I just heard Soul Meets Body and all the rest of my favourite songs live, straight from the mouth of Ben Gibbard, AND I CAN DIE RIGHT NOW A HAPPY WOMAN.

2011-11-15T23:29:00.001Z

Je pense que tu mérites mieux.

OKAY JIENING, QUIT GETTING DISTRACTED AND DO YOUR ESSAYS. omg I am so dead. 3 essays in a week is NO JOKE

2011-11-14T23:41:00.007Z

listening to old cheesy love songs with becca in my room!

the bee gees, peter cetera, ricky martin, boyzone, take that-- I am so in love with all the cheesy lyrics!!

(:

and this is my absolute favourite favourite song of all times, which is also becca's and auds' dads' favourite song:

I know your eyes in the morning sun,
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain,
and the moment that you wander far from me,
I wanna feel you in my arms again.

And you come to me in a summer breeze
keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave
and it's me you need to show-- how deep is your love

2011-11-14T01:06:00.002Z

give me a song, and I'll sing it like I mean it
give me the words, and I'll say them like I mean it

'cause you've got my heart in a headlock
you stopped the blood and made my head soft
and god knows, you've got me sewn.

2011-11-12T22:25:00.001Z

I am so much better than that. so, so, so much better.

now just to drill that into my head~

2011-11-12T12:32:00.006Z

I want this pair of dior sunglasses ): but I'm broke and there isn't going to be sun until another 4 months so I'm not going to be stupid!!! I AM A THRIFTY, SENSIBLE GIRL okay who am I kidding ahaha

the sketching project is going well and not-so-well! not-so-well because all that determination to get a great foundation and start from the very basics of learning the human anatomy properly etc has abandoned me haha woops. but well because I'VE STILL (somewhat) GOT IT BITCH:

newfound love for charcoal pencils! becca says she looks like she just got raped.

and v's got this song stuck in my head:

and now I should stop procrastinating and START ON MY ESSAYS. obv my determination to stop capslocking everything died too, because I always lack determination whoohoo~

2011-11-10T23:26:00.003Z

spontaneously decided to stay over at v's place to burn the midnight oil and get our essays over and done with!

I feel loved- someone waiting to pick me up at the tube station before I called to say I'm here, porridge cooking in the ricecooker because I'm sick, stir-fried veggies and a comfort egg omelette. I have some of the best friends in the world if I only knew how to appreciate them more.

what would you say, if I took those words away?

then you couldn't make things new,

just by saying 'I love you'

2011-11-10T15:23:00.002Z

Coughing my lungs out, waking up in the middle of the night to cough my lungs out, dripping like a tap, headaches-- I HATE BEING SICK.

2011-11-08T21:11:00.002Z

It's uncanny how one can have friends and meet people and hang out over here, yet still feel alone. Maybe it's because people somehow become more guarded as they grow up? Maybe it's because this just isn't home, I don't know. Perhaps it's london-- I was talking to some dude from spain the other day, who told me he had massive culture shock when he first migrated over and discovered how radically individualistic a typical londoner was. He thought it was horrific how many people were having lunch by themselves in cafes haha.

But the great thing about being here in london is that even though life can get excruciatingly lonely at times, that solitude is strangely liberating. In a way I feel me expanding and filling my days, not anyone else, if that makes any sort of sense. And I wouldn't be anywhere else, not even back home where I know I have multitudes of friends eager to support me and to share my life.

One thing that makes me feel sad is that 3rd year sees so many people being bogged down by thoughts about the future-- relationships, finding jobs, doing well academically. All my friends are somewhat harried-looking, and no one has any time to slow down and enjoy a carefree day anymore.

I miss the easier days, I really do.

2011-11-07T20:55:00.002Z

setting off your own fireworks is super exhilarating, not the least because of all that running away from them. once, one of the thingums fell over and started shooting fireworks at us hahaha we all screamed and hid behind a tree.

slightly sick from all the activities over the weekend ): probably caught a cold from the midnight cycle and all the weather changes happening. ugh I hate the sun setting at 4pm ):

2011-11-06T20:01:00.001Z

some of life's choices can never be explained.

2011-11-06T14:29:00.003Z

I am a woman of the goddamned universe, that's what I am.

I fixed the boiler at home (it wasn't heating the house, it's like living in an igloo), and then the vacuum cleaner (inhaling like a tonne of microdust in the process, I might have given myself cancer), and changed the lights in my room. who needs guys when you have an empowered and determined woman?? and last night yiming and I took a 40minute street cycle from vauxhall back home! talk about the giddiness of youth, I have no idea why we did that especially since we've both never cycled on the road before and at some points in time I thought we were going to get hit by some errant bus haha.

guy fawkes night last night! fireworks (:

tonight we're going to set off some of our own!!

2011-11-04T22:25:00.004Z

Talk about moving along!

I have:

1. visited a new cafe in soho! yay. I love soho, it's so unpretentiously hippie yet not seedy at all.

2. bought graphite and carbon pencils and a sketch book hoho here goes nothing!

a sketch to figure things out! sketching is extremely tedious when you're super unexperienced D: I bet I'm going to give up this venture very soon hahahaha

actually it's much easier to draw flesh. women have such awesome bodies sigh

3. Went to a soup kitchen with karina yesterday. I must say, the homeless people who turned up looked very normal (I mean they don't look homeless)-- a volunteer from romania was talking to me, and she was very shocked because from where she came from, even those with homes looked poorer than the people who turned up last night lol. BUT anyway it was a very very good experience! puts loads of life's problems into perspective somehow.

the others can wait for tmr aha I'm tired already. whee life.

2011-11-04T12:32:00.002Z

Dworkin is hilarious.

2 more hours to temporary freedom (:

wide-eyed leaver, always going;

2011-11-02T23:02:00.005Z

Too tired to think.

I'm excited about life after essay-submission this friday-- so many things I want to get done! The problem with me is that the joys of anticipation always >>>>> the joys of actually carrying out my plans hahaha. I NEED TO BE MORE DISCIPLINED.

So come friday, I shall--
1. Continue my act-cool cafe explorations in the gay hippie lands of soho (btw I think Eat makes surprisingly awesome soy lattes, BYEBYE starbucks you have always sucked balls)
2. RSVP to a life drawing class! Which I have been eyeing for a long time but have been too embarrassed about my drawing skills to go for. Yes but I will improve!
3. Buy some art materials and watch some videos so I won't embarrass myself at a life drawing class
4. Finally fuck the whole 'what if' thing and just book a goddamn bus to a random location in the UK already. I want to go to wales again, omg rolling hills and smelly sheep = awesome
5. Find a soup kitchen I can help out at! Actually going to karina's church's tmr (because my church only does soup kitchens at timings when I have class ):), hopefully it turns out well and I don't need to continue this search haha.
6. Revamp a few notably depressing things in my room, namely the quote which goes 'you will be alone always and then you will die'. despite its jarring truth, I think it gets other people down hahaha so since I'm such a people pleaser I'm going to change it to something happier. actually no I'm only changing it because I'm in a happy mood. I AM SELFISH.

Yayy hopefully with more things to do, I will be more productive with my schoolwork as well! I find that there is somehow a correlation between being busy and getting more schoolwork done, anyhow. when you have all the time in the world (i.e. now) work just stays swept under the carpets because 'aiyah got so much time anyway'. NO MORE.

Okay. My essay is rotting. Time to go back to it before I fall asleep ): it's so frustrating to be a weak human being who needs 8hours to function properly-- am INSANELY jealous of everyone, because everyone can sleep a grand total of 5-6hours a day and look more alive than me. WHY. WHY IS IT THAT I WAS BORN A PIG.

/edit/ my abuse of the CAPSLOCK in this blog is terribly unforgivable. smart people can convey and emphasize without gratuitous use of the CAPSLOCK, and since I have always insisted that I am smart (hoho), challenge accepted! I am so lame I just challenged myself and accepted it

2011-11-01T15:02:00.003Z

Last night ym and I happened to be in the toilet of a random restaurant in chinatown (haha funny story). there we met this young indian girl who was about 18 and started chatting to her. she was being very nervous, because she was feeling awkward about having to socialise with a bunch of people over supper. right there and then, ym and I took out my lipstick and eyeliner, gave her a makeover, took off her spectacles and told her that she looked beautiful-- 'go get 'em!'

made my night (:

2011-10-29T23:43:00.001+01:00

Yo no naka wa
Jigoku no ue no
Hanami kana
---
In this world
we walk on the roof of hell,
gazing on flowers.

2011-10-29T21:51:00.001+01:00

I need a friend I can just call and meet up with for a random nightwalk. Hmm.

... so many people I wish were in london right now. WHY IS EVERYONE IN SINGAPORE.

2011-10-29T15:36:00.005+01:00

Today's such a beautiful day! After a week of dreary rain the sun is finally out again, and it is WARM.

Took a slow stroll with becca to oxford street to get her travel stuff, and then went to soho to explore. I'm currently on a london's-best-cafes hunt, and soho is just full of them haha. Yesterday I found bea's (around school) and it wasn't that fantastic sadly :/ I got an apple bourbon crumble cake, doesn't that sound absolutely awesome? but it wasn't ): I have a cupcake sitting on my desk though hopefully it turns out well (EDIT: IT IS AN AWESOME CUPCAKE). today we found flat white, which does have awesome cappuccino! and portugese eggtarts mmm. All they need is friendlier staff without the greasy hair. Also, these cafes are all too crowded ugh.

And then I persuaded becca to come with me to chinatown round the corner to have DUCK RICE. oh my lovely duck rice. hee hee.

I'm determined to be much more independent this year! Travelling and discovering is going to be less friends-dependent, which means that if I feel like going out of london next weekend and no one wants to come along, I'll just disappear by myself. HOW EXCITING. cannot wait. I hope I don't get raped, fingers crossed!

/edit/ coffee makes me so happy. as does this song:

2011-10-27T20:58:00.001+01:00

I love Hart, he's so smart. Sigh. Smart men.

2011-10-26T16:59:00.002+01:00

I have a serious cupcake and duck rice craving. I have been thinking about those two things for like a week. O.m.g.

p.s. THE SUN SET AT 6PM TODAY DIES and daylight savings end this sunday which means.... THE SUN IS GOING TO SET AT 5PM NEXT WEEK WINTER IS HERE AHHHH

2011-10-24T23:27:00.004+01:00

Watched phantom of the opera with auds and her family! poor phantom.

Going to bicester tmr with them, missing classes hee hee, I'm horrible.

BECCA IS BEING COOL AND GOING TO VENICE ALL BY HERSELF NEXT WEEK, LEAVING ME ALONE ): boo.

today some friends said some things that were true, and maybe it's time for my perspective on life to change. maybe maybe maybe. that's what I always say.

honey, all the movements you started to make

see me crumble and fall on my face

and I know the mistakes I've made

see it all disappear without a trace

2011-10-23T21:49:00.000+01:00

pettiness is highly unattractive btw. and I keep blogging today I have absolutely no idea why. might have to do with the 30pages of reading I haven't done for tomorrow's class. heh.

2011-10-23T20:25:00.001+01:00

becca and I wanted to set up a lemonade stand at the corner from our place, but sadly I think that's illegal hawking ): they shouldn't be! in any case,

http://www.lemonadefreedom.com/

free those lemons!

2011-10-23T19:01:00.001+01:00

and what difference does it make?

I love you so much anyway

2011-10-23T14:16:00.004+01:00

lost my voice today ): all that's left of it is a tranny-like whisper. life sucks when you can't talk. and eat sinful stuff. you know what I want right now?

A cup of illy cappuccino, and

some of these chocolate chip cookies. don't they look awesome ):

and on my kitchen table sits a box of these:

red velvet cupcakes from the hummingbird bakery.

life sucks sigh

ok nvm I'm having the cupcakes ANYWAY

2011-10-22T23:39:00.002+01:00

and it is easy, it is simple and it is almost not sad

to have to accept the sea change in this light

as I prepare to walk through the next few months

like a mirror reflecting everyone I see

in a blank, flat shine.

2011-10-22T11:54:00.004+01:00

It's AMAZING, when I've had too much to drink I speak in the most perfect british accent. was out with some friends last night and they found it so hilarious. 'YOU ARE SPOT ON WITH THAT ACCENT' one said, or maybe everyone was just too sloshed. I should drink too much right before all my classes, maybe then I'll feel more secure about talking in class haha

2011-10-20T01:02:00.002+01:00

my house and the people in it make me so happy.

I sense the upward bend coming, hopefully it's not a dead cat bounce. I JUST USED AN ECON TERM I AM COOL.

2011-10-19T13:37:00.002+01:00

and now I know it's not that no one wants to fix this; it's just that no one knows how or where to start. I still don't know either.

sometimes it astounds me how complicated some friendships can get.

2011-10-17T16:38:00.002+01:00

new favourite! I can't believe its been sitting in my itunes for months and I never bothered to listen to it carefully. this song makes me smile.

In that dream I'm as old as the mountains

Still is starlight reflected in fountains

Children grown on the edge of the ocean

Kept like jewelry kept with devotion

In that dream moving slow through the morning

You would come to me then without answers

Lick my wounds and remove my demands for now

Eucalyptus and orange trees are blooming

In that dream there's no darkness alluded

In that dream moving slow through the morning time

In that dream I could hardly contain it

All my life I will wait to attain it

There, there, there

I know someday the smoke will all burn off

All these voices I'll someday have turned off

I will see you someday when I've woken

I'll be so happy just to have spoken

I'll have so much to tell you about it

In that dream I could hardly contain it

All my life I will wait to attain it

There, there, there

Wide-eyed walker, don't betray me

I will wake one day, don't delay me

Wide-eyed leaver, always going

2011-10-16T23:13:00.001+01:00

great Heart of my own heart, whate'er befall,

still be thou my vision, o Ruler of all.

2011-10-16T02:15:00.004+01:00

I think I've found my comfort place in london-- sitting on my balcony at the witching hour, reading a book under the dim light of my handphone and trying not to freeze to death. Here I can witness loving couples kissing with abandon. I see reckless boys taking a late night barclays-bike cycle around the deserted neighborhood. Gaggles of girls returning home in pairs from a night of clubbing. Here I can count the frequency of babbling koreans crossing my street and wonder to myself why koreans like to wander around so late at night. And when the drug dealers meet their clients, right underneath my balcony, right under my shivering feet, I know it's time to go back in before I die from hypothermia or an upward thrown knife.

2011-10-16T00:00:00.000+01:00

patience.

2011-10-15T12:05:00.000+01:00

so this is how it feels like, once more.

2011-10-12T16:52:00.001+01:00

haha one of the very few songs I can play on the guitar! I have terrible guitar skills.

if I were a flower growing wild and free

all I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee

and if I were a tree growing tall and green

all I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

2011-10-10T21:53:00.002+01:00

my mummy just sent me a long email about how she misses me and wished that we were much closer, and now I'm sad because I'm such a horrible daughter gosh. I'm such a horrible person.

2011-10-08T19:40:00.001+01:00

"Again I'm trying to explain how all talk is slippery.

See, I might want to convey one thing—frustration, say—
but all that gets conveyed is some other thing—rage—my hand
coming fast, erratic, menacing.

Who can say how a thing in words turns and flowers like that?
It happens.

Now say I want to say to you happiness.

No motive. Nothing behind it.
Just the awareness of a valve suddenly opened and—
happiness!

It's in the lungs, the bones.
But somehow all you hear is I don't need you.

We're in this room, and you're not hearing
how I'm still trying to say this thing to you.

I'll say it again. Here. Happiness."
- Happiness, Elisabeth Frost

2011-10-07T22:19:00.002+01:00

I hate it when people lie to me as if I was stupid and couldn't tell. for the love of god, I AM A FUCKING LSE STUDENT.

2011-10-07T01:42:00.005+01:00

you know what, I really hate being a girl. it's tiring to constantly have to deal with emotions, whether it's yours or someone else's or just a random surge of too much estrogen coursing through your system. it's draining to care and empathise and pretend that everything's okay, or that everything's not, when sometimes all you feel is nothing that is probably something not all that spectacular. I want to write things that don't make sense, because nothing makes sense anymore. I want to type metaphors which are vaguely intriguing but cryptic enough for anyone but me to digest, about things that exist and things that don't. I want to be even more of a bitch than I am. I want to tell you as my beloved blogstalker that this post isn't about you, because really it isn't about anyone. I don't even know what this is about- sometimes it's just fun to go with the flow of angst. sometimes it's not even fun, especially when you're going to wake up tomorrow and look at this shit and go 'oh god why did I type that' (which I will, and I love to second-guess myself-- because I'm always right) but you have to do it anyway.

then again I don't want to be a guy. guys are rather stupid (ha). so what am I left with? dont answer, this post isn't supposed to be funny. but somehow everything I say always turns out that way; by the time this entry ends all the strength in me would have drained, and what I feel is nothing but irony.

I can't sleep because I've had too much tea.

2011-10-07T00:11:00.004+01:00

today yiming and I walked and walked and walked. we walked from my place to camden and visited all its cool markets, and along the canal towards regent's park, then took a detour from our original intended location of little venice (because it was ridiculously far away and besides we've been to the real venice already, who cares about the fake?) to primrose hill instead. such a pretty hill! the only thing it lacked was primroses. we climbed to its peak and sat there unmovingly as a rain cloud loomed over us and drizzled, before it passed and exposed the sun again, all within minutes. we then got off the hill and explored the chalkfarm area, which was really understatedly posh I wish I could live there ): even the thrift stores there were posh. saw an intriguing restaurant claiming to be a russian tea room, so we walked in to have a very late lunch. mm awesomely exotic food- I had an armenian salad and ym had the gypsy latke, and we shared a very delicious apple crumble with vanilla icecream. by the time we got out it was nearly evening already, so we walked all the way home again. we then sat on my rug and watched fightclub (me for the millionth time) until it was dark and even chillier outside.

I love lovely days like this (:

and ym reminded me that I should never feel bad for saying no to anything, because my happiness is important too, so yeah fuck it third year is for me and me only

2011-10-06T11:47:00.002+01:00

wanting to pick a fight with someone who prefers to pretend nothing ever went wrong is the most exasperating feeling one could have

2011-10-02T21:09:00.002+01:00

school starts tomorrow! life moves on so quickly.

I'm so, so exhausted yet so restless. I can't stop going and getting, it's just moving and doing stuff all the time. I need to be chained to my bed and stay there for a day or something until I feel alright again. woah kinky shit.

over and over and over and over

like a monkey with a miniature cymbal

the joy of repetition really is in you;

2011-09-26T17:11:00.002+01:00

GERMANY TOMORROW.

lazy.

how could you not realize it was me?

all of the turquoise jewelry that you see

2011-09-24T17:44:00.003+01:00

REDECORATING MY ROOM IS SUCH AN ARDUOUS TASK.

you fucked it friend, it's on its head, it

struck the street

you're in Milwaukee, off your feet

and at once I knew, I was not magnificent;

2011-09-24T13:57:00.003+01:00

Cause you read it in a big book

And now you giving me the look, look

But just remember how we shook, shook

And all the things we took, took

2011-09-23T16:16:00.002+01:00

Don't like the direction life is heading.

Audrey and I spent the afternoon curled up on my bed and looking online for countryside houses! Haha eh really quite cheap. 10 years from now, if life gets too unbearable, we're going to up and leave without a trace to a random location around the world and start life anew (:

burn it down till the embers smoke to the ground

start new when your heart is an empty room

with walls of the deepest blue

2011-09-20T01:32:00.003+01:00

becca is here! (: yay our family is complete.

today auds and I totally had a super productive and go-getting day. we tidied up the house, went out and grocery-shopped finally, then had lunch in the park again! bought ingredients for a singapore sling, because haha the SIA one is awesome and we wanted to drink it in the comforts of our home. fixed our common space chillaz table and decorated it, cooked a nice dinner (panfried salmon (:) talked and waited for becca to arrive! had supper and now to bed.

life is beautiful again! really it is. the sky is blue and the sun shines and all my troubles are beyond retarded and inconsequential in the greater scheme of things. I go through such lame predictable phases.

to and fro from yours to Cecil street

you wore the same shirt that you wore last week

should I shake your hand or kiss your cheek?

convince you it's not lust, it's chemistry

2011-09-19T09:30:00.004+01:00

Yesterday was such a lovely day.

We went to church, came back for maggimee lunch, tidied up the house, walked out of it towards the Thames, got distracted by shanghai blues (totally looking like it was run by chinese mafias) and went in for awesome dimsum, felt too cold and turned back towards home, got distracted again and went into patisserie valerie to get hot tea, walked into russell square gardens and plonked ourselves down on the green dewy grass. We laid down on it and listened to music until raindrops started smattering down on us, got up and ran home. Dived into audrey's bed and watched the sound of music (hahaha it is damn lame and I fell asleep halfway). Got up and had maggimee dinner, then sat in the kitchen for hours singing along to teenage angsty music like avril lavigne and simple plan and linkin park.

Made me feel happier about life (: not that my life isn't happy. There's really no objective reason why it isn't, so I guess it's just one of those moods again, hence- this too shall pass.

Isolations, dotted lines

seas of concrete, wild eyes

streaking colours, blurred to one

always moving, blinding sun

blinding sun

2011-09-17T12:11:00.004+01:00

Just came back from milan/ lake como! Haha I LOVE ROADTRIPS and guys who accelerate at 70km/hour at blindspots on a winding uphill road when a huge bus is coming round the corner.

Today will be an awesome day. It's audrey's birthday! No more thinking about things that don't matter. I AM ABOVE IT ALL.

But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

2011-09-11T17:43:00.002+01:00

So fucking tired of life's bullshit. It's like you're happy just minding your own fucking business and then curveballs just HAVE to be thrown your way. And suddenly you don't know anything anymore.

It's not like I asked for any of this, it's not like I wanted any of this at all

2011-09-09T18:36:00.003+01:00

insecure.like.mad.

ZOMG shut up please

2011-09-08T21:00:00.003+01:00

Super super tiring days, unpacking and cleaning up our house. Our subtenants suck balls shit hate hate hate them. NEVER summer-let your house ever.

But living with audrey again brings back so many awesome memories! Haha. Today we spent like an hour trying to screw on the lightbulb in her room in utter vain, and thinking up a zillion stereotypical sexist 'how many girls does it take to screw on a lightbulb?' jokes.

Tired. I need my mood to change as well, this is really not the mood I wanna be in at the moment ugh. Then again, now is totally the right time to think my life situation through once more, so I shall.

'cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out;

2011-09-07T21:43:00.002+01:00

Back in London again~

I'm missing something. It's probably a sense of familiarity. After 2 and a half months, this place looks merely like somewhere I once knew.

These things take my time and energies
Don’t stand too close without apologies
Cutthroat, cut out candid glimpses and
Wind me up, I’m ready

Can’t escape this line of best fit
Can’t escape this line of best fit

2011-09-01T17:10:00.002+01:00

Got reminded of some past happier times just now. made me smile and wish things would go back to being so much simpler, even just for a while

2011-08-31T16:41:00.001+01:00

you know, it's time

that we grow old and do some shit

I like it all that way.

5 more days before it's back to London again. I. cannot. believe. it.

I still can't decide if I like being older. I think I do.

2011-08-28T11:54:00.003+01:00

JEREMY AND I ADOPTED A KID.

hahahahhaa.

okay no we're just sponsoring one from the philippines together (some church thingy, how exciting), but paying money for to support a kid already makes you feel like the kid belongs to you omg we are PARENTS.

2011-08-24T17:19:00.007+01:00

"You saved my life he says I owe you everything.
You don’t, I say, you don’t owe me squat, let’s just get going, let’s just get gone, but he’s
relentless,
keeps saying I owe you, says Your shoes are filling with your own damn blood,
you must want something, just tell me, and it’s yours.

But I can’t look at him, can hardly speak,
I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons, I’d just as soon kill you myself, I say.
You keep saying I owe you, I owe… but you say the same thing every time.
Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.
Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving
and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.
Don’t bother.
You never mean it anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.
There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding,
I’m not just making conversation.
There’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars. It’s a Western, Henry,
it’s a downright shoot-em-up. We’ve made a graveyard out of the bone white afternoon.
It’s another wrong-man-dies scenario
and we keep doing it, Henry, keep saying until we get it right…
but we always win and we never quit, see, we’ve won again, here we are at the place
where I get to beg for it
where I get to say Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our
clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?
or will I say
Roll over and let me fuck you till you puke, Henry, you owe me this much, you can indulge me
this at least, can’t you? but we both know how it goes. I say I want you inside me
and you hold my head underwater, I say I want you inside me
and you split me open with a knife. I’m battling monsters, half-monkey, half-tarantula,
I’m pulling you out of the burning buildings and you say I’ll give you anything.
But you never come through.
Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels. Even when you’re standing up
you look like you’re lying down, but will you let me kiss your neck, baby? Do I have to
tie your arms down?
Do I have to stick my tongue in your mouth like the hand of a thief, like a burglary
like it’s just another petty theft? It makes me tired, Henry. Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what I’m getting at?
You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling Strike me. Strike anywhere.
I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search
my body for the scars, thinking
Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, Henry,
it’s in the script, you want me to say Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted
and worth dying for too
but I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time. It’s mine, you can’t have it, see,
I’m not giving it up. This way you still owe me, and that’s
as good as anything.
You can’t get out of this one, Henry, you can’t get it out of me, and with this bullet
lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because
it’s all I have,
because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your
slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this
bullet inside me
‘cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth. Don’t you see, it’s like
I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there,
like it’s been waiting inside me the whole time.
Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground
like you mean it, reach inside and wrestle it out with your bare hands?
If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.
Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now?
There’s a bottle of whiskey in the trunk of the Chevy and a dead man at our feet
staring up at us like we’re something interesting.
This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard,
and make a wish."

Wishbone, Richard Siken.

I love this dude he always writes so much sense.

2011-08-21T16:40:00.000+01:00

we've read the back of the book, we know what's going to happen.

2011-08-15T12:47:00.003+01:00

Omg today a huge bunch of us had a dialogue session with the PS of MEWR and the moment he opened his mouth to address our questions I FELL IN LOVE. Intelligence and charisma hand-in-hand is damn sexy. NF and I were sitting at the back doodling 'I <3 DQ' all over his notebook and taking down quotes hahaha and titus came up with a slogan for our newest 2-member fanclub: 'PS I love you!'

But omg I am really impressed with the man and all his exhaustive explanations. When he ended off the answer about societal change with 'our generation should not live off the dividends of past success' I wanted to punch my fist in the air and shout 'YOU GO BABY' because seriously? Who the hell says such eloquent things in an impromptu reply to an impromptu question??

Hee hee okay I wasn't being entirely serious, I should stop saying such retarded things on my blog because it's so public and humour doesn't translate well on the internet!

2011-08-15T12:40:00.003+01:00

Hope is the only thing that keeps past emotions alive. "What if? What if?" you can always fantasize of alternative endings to your story, you could think yourself into tight knots or kill yourself over what you could have had. But the past is a fait accompli. One must remember it simply and exactly as it is; emotionlessly, heartlessly, completely divested of.

2011-08-13T19:36:00.003+01:00

TFIS.

I LOVE SATURDAYS TOO WHOOHOO

today marked the start of something new! EPOCH.

hahaha fuck I think I'm turning BIPOLAR or something close

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002517/

DESCRIBES EVERYTHING SO PERFECTLY. then again maybe everyone's been going through extreme highs and lows like I have for the past 2 years just without the paranoid complaints like I do. hmm.

LIFE IS AWESOME NOW it needs to stay this way forever

The giddiness of youth is overwhelming at times.

2011-08-12T17:54:00.001+01:00

TGIF

I LOVE FRIDAYS HAHA

okay too high

2011-08-11T16:01:00.001+01:00

Finally- a few days to myself.

2011-08-01T16:56:00.002+01:00

Today, I--

1. Made a fool of myself at the scholarship ceremony HAHA. Lousy video we made (okay it was very funny and good but still, my reputation is down the drain) with a very short segment showing me as a bimbo, at the end of the ceremony my supervisor (who's like a deputy director) beckoned to me and told me, very plainly, 'jiening. you are DOOMED. you will henceforth be stereotyped as the eyecandy bimbo and NO ONE WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.' And all my so-called friends doing the now-infamous hairflip whenever they see me. Omg my life. It needs to end now. Okay stop with the melodramatics hahah I am exaggerating (I hope)

2. Came home and realised I killed a watertank-full of sea monkeys, which dearest ningfei had bequeathed to me as a gift. That was after 24 hours of them hatching. I AM SO LOUSY WITH ANIMALS. I don't know whether to laugh or be absolutely horrified at my lack of nurturing skills.

Yes, to wrap up the day.

And my kor is leaving tmr for another year ):

2011-07-31T16:47:00.003+01:00

Some times I feel like stepping out in front of a car, or jumping off a very tall building, or scarring myself with a knife just so that I have something to remember every mistake I've made by. Drinking myself to death, chain smoking, sleeping with every guy I meet. Running away to somewhere where no one will ever find me, leaving every single fucking thing behind. But then my rational mind tells me that some day down the road, whether it's a year from now or 10 years from now, I will regret it. And so I don't.

Life is a fucking big joke at times. That's 21 years of accumulated 'things I wished I never said or did', and another many decades to come. Fuck, we humans need a restart button.

And I hate my moods.