After today, everything's going to be a mad rush which would bring me finally back home for 3 weeks. It's scary how extremely quickly time flies as you grow older. It feels like I've only just started university and the dust has finally settled, when everything is getting whirled up into a frenzy all over again. I wish there was time to pause and think and enjoy. But everyone's so caught up with experiencing everything that no single moment becomes special anymore. From the moment JC ended, the whole 2009 has been an absolute blur. Friends coming in and out of my life, being thrown in a totally new environment, encountering new things. Every day is spent trying out new things because you might never get the chance to again. Some how I know I should be really enjoying it all, but some how nothing seems to have changed. There are times I forget that I'm in London, and there are times I forget how Singapore was ever like. I'm just surviving like I've done the past 19 years. The fact that there're so many things to accomplish in this short time span means that the days become strictly routinised, so you just do don't think and just go with the flow. Then there are times the revelation whacks me straight in the head, and I pause in my tracks thinking wow, I can't believe I made it here.

I know I should be much more appreciative about everything that's happened to me thus far. Like what a few of us said before, our lives have really been very blessed. But some how life is very like a postcard-- everything looks nice and awesome when you look at it from an outsider's POV, but when you're actually living it nothing is as magical or wonderful as it seems. It's like how a mountain may look majestic and exciting on your travel pamphlet, but when you're actually at the foot of it all you notice is the never-ending amount of rocks, because your eyes and mind cannot take in everything at once and construct for you that small pretty postcard picture in your hands. There's no way for you to airbrush away the harshness of the terrain while intensifying the beautiful hues of the sky. It's like that very pretty picture of the outside of my hall I photographed and photoshopped, which everyone who's been to my hall refuse to believe was really from there. My hall is damn mother ugly, but that's easily remedied with photoshop.

Of course, in retrospect everything seems more amazing that it probably actually was. I don't know about how your brain works, but mine tends to sweep sadness and pain out of my past alot, so all I remember is the feeling of happiness. I'm not saying that I totally disregard the downs in my life. The sad moments do remain in the timeline, but usually the grief gets cushioned with time into something unrecognisable that I can no longer empathise with. Does that make sense? It's like I know I was sad before and I know what made me sad, but I can't understand why anymore. Haha maybe it's some intrinsic survival mechanism thing. Not that it works very well, seeing that it makes me take rollercoasters and watch horror movies again and again cos I forget how absolutely terrified I am of those things..

Anyway yes. So I look back on this year and I'd tell you now that life's been an absolute darling. Not that it really has been, but that I think it has been. This random reflection of my life is going to come to an abrupt end, because I have 20pages to read by tonight haha.

See y'all soon (:

Oh, we need less negativity in this world.

Balls yijun and I spent 2hours today (seeing that I have a 4hr break every tuesday that's nothing) lamenting about how life should be less complicated like it was back in the old days. Everything's so complex and convoluted it just blows your mind! Complicated relationships, complicated friendships, complicated lives.. Sometimes you just want everything to stop so you can breathe and rest your mind.

10:47 PM