Wednesday, November 30, 2011

7:47 PM

on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

some days all I want to do is to curl up under the bedsheets and go to sleep, hoping for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to come and go until today finally becomes better. I switch off the lights and try to sleep, but it is too early for sleep and so I stare at the ceiling. the darkness is slightly frightening and I feel alone. I want to feel alone. the prospect of life is absolutely terrifying; I don't know what to do that is right or wrong anymore and I am paralysed. these are the days I wish I was stranded alone on a desert island. I want to sit motionlessly for hours on end and just stare at nothing in particular, with empty thoughts running through my head and letting waves upon waves of nondescript sadness wash over me until the storm passes and all is bright again.

/sometimes when I sit outside on my balcony with the wind howling all around me, I feel as if I am really waiting for godot. haha.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

7:07 PM

I.cannot.wait.for.school.to.end.

The holidays cannot come soon enough!! going to spend most of my time here in dear old London, and am excited about it. taking a short trip to malta for some winter suntanning (okay probably not) with becca, and then after the new years will be going to berlin and hopefully poland to freeze our asses off and enjoy us some culture.

other than that, the rest of the holidays is going to be for me and myself! getting back on the sketching train, finding books I'm going to read, sitting in cafes and acting cool, taking trips out to the UK myself and maybe I shall try my hand at watercolour painting! and ym introduced me to a very cool site called www.pinterest.com which has cool DIY projects which I would love to do. YAY. oh and of course, there's the catching up with work bit which I'm not so excited about :/

so much to do! life is too short.

Monday, November 28, 2011

11:23 PM

Oh Little Wisdom,
something will find you, some nose, cold,
some sound, bark, some cough, some hush now,
some pain gone forth to meet the place
yours was, some vine cut from the gut,
some Juned-up sun, some tread, some mite.

- Army of Another, Nance Van Winckel

Sunday, November 27, 2011

4:32 PM

We should take a panoramic view,
for flowers have never appeared,
never arisen,
never vanished,
flowers have never been flowers,
space has never been space,
and space flowers
give forth space fruit and drop space seeds,

and since what we perceive
are the five petals
opening the flowers of space, we should see
the flower form of all things,
since anything
that can be imagined is a flower and fruit
of space.
If there is a single cloud in the eye,
flowers in the sky
will tumble in all directions.

-Flowers of space, Amy Catanzano

Saturday, November 26, 2011

1:23 PM

Me, totemo utsukushi desu ne totemo utsukushi me o shite imasu.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

1:53 PM

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Undying sympathy, unfailing love.

Amen to that. Rar almost there~

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

11:52 PM

"I've known perfectly that you knew I took trouble for you; and that knowledge has been for me, and I seemed to see it was for you, as if there was something- I don't know what to call it!- between us".

Monday, November 21, 2011

10:57 PM

note to self: it is always a bad idea to take shots and do jaegerbombs with your dearest housemate when you're trying to finish a 2k word essay on the frigging philosophy of law, even if they were a peace offering!!

then again most geniuses (genii?) complete their greatest works of art under the influence of alcohol right?? I bet they weren't trying to formulate a coherent argument about the substantive neutrality of law and its separability from the point of its existence though ):

heehee. I'm so sick of having no life for the past 2 weeks ): WHEN WILL THIS MISERY END. I need to learn to be more efficient and productive, I think the current 2 sentences per hour rate of essay writing is killing my social life.

... YOU DON'T SAY

Sunday, November 20, 2011

10:42 AM

wales is breathtakingly beautiful, but kinda like sevensisters! not in a bad way, just sayin'.

and thanks to taking time off for a daytrip (whoo) I AM OFFICIALLY SCREWED because my essays are all incomplete and in a mess and two of them are due tmr ): I have no idea what I'm doing here.

I cannot wait for the coming week to end, god I deserve a break

edit: the worst thing about essays is how you first agonize so badly about how to hit the word limit, then proceed to go grossly above having to agonize once more about how to trim off 500 fucking words. FOR BOTH ESSAYS. kill me now swiftly and mercifully PLEASE

Friday, November 18, 2011

12:08 PM

It is taking every ounce of willpower for me to stick my butt firmly on this chair and not up and leave for covent garden to shop.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

9:33 PM

hahahhaa you know the feeling you get when you chance upon something you once wrote like many years ago when you were an immature, stupid, young thing? oh gosh CRINGE ALERT. I was such an emokid when I was younger, you have no idea (for those who would like to say that I'm still an emokid, YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE WORST omg) may no one on earth ever see it hahahaha

I need to invent a time machine, go back into the past and take my younger self by the shoulders and WRING MYSELF VERY HARD. tell her that dude, life gets infinitely tougher when you're older so just suck it up you stupid kid.

12:28 AM

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW INCREDIBLY HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW.

DEATHCAB FOR CUTIEEE~~~ I just heard Soul Meets Body and all the rest of my favourite songs live, straight from the mouth of Ben Gibbard, AND I CAN DIE RIGHT NOW A HAPPY WOMAN.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

11:29 PM

Je pense que tu mérites mieux.

OKAY JIENING, QUIT GETTING DISTRACTED AND DO YOUR ESSAYS. omg I am so dead. 3 essays in a week is NO JOKE

Monday, November 14, 2011

11:41 PM

listening to old cheesy love songs with becca in my room!

the bee gees, peter cetera, ricky martin, boyzone, take that-- I am so in love with all the cheesy lyrics!!

(:

and this is my absolute favourite favourite song of all times, which is also becca's and auds' dads' favourite song:

I know your eyes in the morning sun,
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain,
and the moment that you wander far from me,
I wanna feel you in my arms again.

And you come to me in a summer breeze
keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave
and it's me you need to show-- how deep is your love

1:06 AM

give me a song, and I'll sing it like I mean it
give me the words, and I'll say them like I mean it

'cause you've got my heart in a headlock
you stopped the blood and made my head soft
and god knows, you've got me sewn.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

10:25 PM

I am so much better than that. so, so, so much better.

now just to drill that into my head~

12:32 PM

I want this pair of dior sunglasses ): but I'm broke and there isn't going to be sun until another 4 months so I'm not going to be stupid!!! I AM A THRIFTY, SENSIBLE GIRL okay who am I kidding ahaha

the sketching project is going well and not-so-well! not-so-well because all that determination to get a great foundation and start from the very basics of learning the human anatomy properly etc has abandoned me haha woops. but well because I'VE STILL (somewhat) GOT IT BITCH:

newfound love for charcoal pencils! becca says she looks like she just got raped.

and v's got this song stuck in my head:

and now I should stop procrastinating and START ON MY ESSAYS. obv my determination to stop capslocking everything died too, because I always lack determination whoohoo~

Labels: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ojs0orOs70A/Tr5yP6-BFDI/AAAAAAAAAiw/AN_HiXjzzJI/s320/IMG_1458.JPG

Thursday, November 10, 2011

11:26 PM

spontaneously decided to stay over at v's place to burn the midnight oil and get our essays over and done with!

I feel loved- someone waiting to pick me up at the tube station before I called to say I'm here, porridge cooking in the ricecooker because I'm sick, stir-fried veggies and a comfort egg omelette. I have some of the best friends in the world if I only knew how to appreciate them more.

what would you say, if I took those words away?

then you couldn't make things new,

just by saying 'I love you'

3:23 PM

Coughing my lungs out, waking up in the middle of the night to cough my lungs out, dripping like a tap, headaches-- I HATE BEING SICK.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

9:11 PM

It's uncanny how one can have friends and meet people and hang out over here, yet still feel alone. Maybe it's because people somehow become more guarded as they grow up? Maybe it's because this just isn't home, I don't know. Perhaps it's london-- I was talking to some dude from spain the other day, who told me he had massive culture shock when he first migrated over and discovered how radically individualistic a typical londoner was. He thought it was horrific how many people were having lunch by themselves in cafes haha.

But the great thing about being here in london is that even though life can get excruciatingly lonely at times, that solitude is strangely liberating. In a way I feel me expanding and filling my days, not anyone else, if that makes any sort of sense. And I wouldn't be anywhere else, not even back home where I know I have multitudes of friends eager to support me and to share my life.

One thing that makes me feel sad is that 3rd year sees so many people being bogged down by thoughts about the future-- relationships, finding jobs, doing well academically. All my friends are somewhat harried-looking, and no one has any time to slow down and enjoy a carefree day anymore.

I miss the easier days, I really do.

Monday, November 07, 2011

8:55 PM

setting off your own fireworks is super exhilarating, not the least because of all that running away from them. once, one of the thingums fell over and started shooting fireworks at us hahaha we all screamed and hid behind a tree.

slightly sick from all the activities over the weekend ): probably caught a cold from the midnight cycle and all the weather changes happening. ugh I hate the sun setting at 4pm ):

Sunday, November 06, 2011

8:01 PM

some of life's choices can never be explained.

2:29 PM

I am a woman of the goddamned universe, that's what I am.

I fixed the boiler at home (it wasn't heating the house, it's like living in an igloo), and then the vacuum cleaner (inhaling like a tonne of microdust in the process, I might have given myself cancer), and changed the lights in my room. who needs guys when you have an empowered and determined woman?? and last night yiming and I took a 40minute street cycle from vauxhall back home! talk about the giddiness of youth, I have no idea why we did that especially since we've both never cycled on the road before and at some points in time I thought we were going to get hit by some errant bus haha.

guy fawkes night last night! fireworks (:

tonight we're going to set off some of our own!!

Friday, November 04, 2011

10:25 PM

Talk about moving along!

I have:

1. visited a new cafe in soho! yay. I love soho, it's so unpretentiously hippie yet not seedy at all.

2. bought graphite and carbon pencils and a sketch book hoho here goes nothing!

a sketch to figure things out! sketching is extremely tedious when you're super unexperienced D: I bet I'm going to give up this venture very soon hahahaha

actually it's much easier to draw flesh. women have such awesome bodies sigh

3. Went to a soup kitchen with karina yesterday. I must say, the homeless people who turned up looked very normal (I mean they don't look homeless)-- a volunteer from romania was talking to me, and she was very shocked because from where she came from, even those with homes looked poorer than the people who turned up last night lol. BUT anyway it was a very very good experience! puts loads of life's problems into perspective somehow.

the others can wait for tmr aha I'm tired already. whee life.

12:32 PM

Dworkin is hilarious.

2 more hours to temporary freedom (:

wide-eyed leaver, always going;

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

11:02 PM

Too tired to think.

I'm excited about life after essay-submission this friday-- so many things I want to get done! The problem with me is that the joys of anticipation always >>>>> the joys of actually carrying out my plans hahaha. I NEED TO BE MORE DISCIPLINED.

So come friday, I shall--
1. Continue my act-cool cafe explorations in the gay hippie lands of soho (btw I think Eat makes surprisingly awesome soy lattes, BYEBYE starbucks you have always sucked balls)
2. RSVP to a life drawing class! Which I have been eyeing for a long time but have been too embarrassed about my drawing skills to go for. Yes but I will improve!
3. Buy some art materials and watch some videos so I won't embarrass myself at a life drawing class
4. Finally fuck the whole 'what if' thing and just book a goddamn bus to a random location in the UK already. I want to go to wales again, omg rolling hills and smelly sheep = awesome
5. Find a soup kitchen I can help out at! Actually going to karina's church's tmr (because my church only does soup kitchens at timings when I have class ):), hopefully it turns out well and I don't need to continue this search haha.
6. Revamp a few notably depressing things in my room, namely the quote which goes 'you will be alone always and then you will die'. despite its jarring truth, I think it gets other people down hahaha so since I'm such a people pleaser I'm going to change it to something happier. actually no I'm only changing it because I'm in a happy mood. I AM SELFISH.

Yayy hopefully with more things to do, I will be more productive with my schoolwork as well! I find that there is somehow a correlation between being busy and getting more schoolwork done, anyhow. when you have all the time in the world (i.e. now) work just stays swept under the carpets because 'aiyah got so much time anyway'. NO MORE.

Okay. My essay is rotting. Time to go back to it before I fall asleep ): it's so frustrating to be a weak human being who needs 8hours to function properly-- am INSANELY jealous of everyone, because everyone can sleep a grand total of 5-6hours a day and look more alive than me. WHY. WHY IS IT THAT I WAS BORN A PIG.

/edit/ my abuse of the CAPSLOCK in this blog is terribly unforgivable. smart people can convey and emphasize without gratuitous use of the CAPSLOCK, and since I have always insisted that I am smart (hoho), challenge accepted! I am so lame I just challenged myself and accepted it

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

3:02 PM

Last night ym and I happened to be in the toilet of a random restaurant in chinatown (haha funny story). there we met this young indian girl who was about 18 and started chatting to her. she was being very nervous, because she was feeling awkward about having to socialise with a bunch of people over supper. right there and then, ym and I took out my lipstick and eyeliner, gave her a makeover, took off her spectacles and told her that she looked beautiful-- 'go get 'em!'

made my night (: