5 more days before it's back to London again. I. cannot. believe. it.

I still can't decide if I like being older. I think I do.

hahahahhaa.

okay no we're just sponsoring one from the philippines together (some church thingy, how exciting), but paying money for to support a kid already makes you feel like the kid belongs to you omg we are PARENTS.

But I can’t look at him, can hardly speak,
I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons, I’d just as soon kill you myself, I say.
You keep saying I owe you, I owe… but you say the same thing every time.
Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.
Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving
and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.
Don’t bother.
You never mean it anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.
There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding,
I’m not just making conversation.
There’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars. It’s a Western, Henry,
it’s a downright shoot-em-up. We’ve made a graveyard out of the bone white afternoon.
It’s another wrong-man-dies scenario
and we keep doing it, Henry, keep saying until we get it right…
but we always win and we never quit, see, we’ve won again, here we are at the place
where I get to beg for it
where I get to say Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our
clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?
or will I say
Roll over and let me fuck you till you puke, Henry, you owe me this much, you can indulge me
this at least, can’t you? but we both know how it goes. I say I want you inside me
and you hold my head underwater, I say I want you inside me
and you split me open with a knife. I’m battling monsters, half-monkey, half-tarantula,
I’m pulling you out of the burning buildings and you say I’ll give you anything.
But you never come through.
Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels. Even when you’re standing up
you look like you’re lying down, but will you let me kiss your neck, baby? Do I have to
tie your arms down?
Do I have to stick my tongue in your mouth like the hand of a thief, like a burglary
like it’s just another petty theft? It makes me tired, Henry. Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what I’m getting at?
You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling Strike me. Strike anywhere.
I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search
my body for the scars, thinking
Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, Henry,
it’s in the script, you want me to say Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted
and worth dying for too
but I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time. It’s mine, you can’t have it, see,
I’m not giving it up. This way you still owe me, and that’s
as good as anything.
You can’t get out of this one, Henry, you can’t get it out of me, and with this bullet
lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because
it’s all I have,
because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your
slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this
bullet inside me
‘cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth. Don’t you see, it’s like
I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there,
like it’s been waiting inside me the whole time.
Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground
like you mean it, reach inside and wrestle it out with your bare hands?
If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.
Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now?
There’s a bottle of whiskey in the trunk of the Chevy and a dead man at our feet
staring up at us like we’re something interesting.
This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard,
and make a wish."

- Wishbone, Richard Siken.

But omg I am really impressed with the man and all his exhaustive explanations. When he ended off the answer about societal change with 'our generation should not live off the dividends of past success' I wanted to punch my fist in the air and shout 'YOU GO BABY' because seriously? Who the hell says such eloquent things in an impromptu reply to an impromptu question??

Hee hee okay I wasn't being entirely serious, I should stop saying such retarded things on my blog because it's so public and humour doesn't translate well on the internet!

I LOVE SATURDAYS TOO WHOOHOO

today marked the start of something new! EPOCH.

hahaha fuck I think I'm turning BIPOLAR or something close

DESCRIBES EVERYTHING SO PERFECTLY. then again maybe everyone's been going through extreme highs and lows like I have for the past 2 years just without the paranoid complaints like I do. hmm.

LIFE IS AWESOME NOW it needs to stay this way forever

The giddiness of youth is overwhelming at times.

I LOVE FRIDAYS HAHA

okay too high

1. Made a fool of myself at the scholarship ceremony HAHA. Lousy video we made (okay it was very funny and good but still, my reputation is down the drain) with a very short segment showing me as a bimbo, at the end of the ceremony my supervisor (who's like a deputy director) beckoned to me and told me, very plainly, 'jiening. you are DOOMED. you will henceforth be stereotyped as the eyecandy bimbo and NO ONE WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.' And all my so-called friends doing the now-infamous hairflip whenever they see me. Omg my life. It needs to end now. Okay stop with the melodramatics hahah I am exaggerating (I hope)

2. Came home and realised I killed a watertank-full of sea monkeys, which dearest ningfei had bequeathed to me as a gift. That was after 24 hours of them hatching. I AM SO LOUSY WITH ANIMALS. I don't know whether to laugh or be absolutely horrified at my lack of nurturing skills.

Yes, to wrap up the day.

And my kor is leaving tmr for another year ):