Saturday, April 30, 2011

10:33 PM

It struck me that the person I am during exam period is very different from the person I am outside it. Must be all the stupid analytical brain exercising I have to do reading all this law stuff. And this is why I can't be left alone cooped up in my room (as I am now)-- when I'm left with all this thinking it just consumes me inside out and makes me feel overwhelmed. Uncertain. Angsty.

I haven't studied the whole bloody day and I'm kinda very sian about it, but this room is SO UNCONDUCIVE. Plus the elections are rather exciting haha. Though after reading and listening to so many of the things the incumbent and opposition are throwing out at each other and the general population, you kinda realise there're only these few issues everyone keeps going round in circles about. I was just thinking something inane about how the term 'watershed elections' and the stupid analogy about the car kept getting thrown about by everyone and really why do people keep dredging up the same overused words/ stories again and again? Is it because 'watershed' seems awesomer than 'milestone'? Is it to save people's time so that they don't need to keep checking the dictionary every time you use a different cool-sounding word like 'epoch'? Okay there's nothing wrong I guess I'm just not in the mood for trite labels right now haha I am lame. Other than that it's nice to know that singapore politics are getting (slightly) more exciting. I have thoughts but I would not like to share them because everyone already is, and it's getting boring this whole thought-sharing shit and no one wants to read anymore nonsense anyway.

I am such a boring person and I'm turning into a boringer person D: sigh. Plus I have an impulsive need to write down all my thoughts WHY IS THIS SO? Why why why why my brain is in an inquisitive overdrive I hate myself ugh. If I think the word 'why?' one more time I swear it will explode and then a cloud of question marks will stream out of my ears.

2:59 PM

I can't believe the library is so full that I can't even find a place to sit!!!!!!! D: have to study at the entrance of the libs how sad is that oh well

12:33 PM

The problem with spring is that the air is so full of pollen I don't dare to breathe. Haha. I think my lungs must be budding trees already.

TODAY IS SUCH A NICE DAY. There's no one around school at this moment so I decided to study by myself in starbucks. Super unconducive aha will go find my darling library once it's less crowded. Yay sometimes I really like being all by myself. I just wish I could be like that all the time, you know, independent and self-absorbed (not necessarily a bad thing). It's a nice feeling thinking you can conquer this world on your own. Until you really think about it, and then you realise the world is so much bigger than you-- that's when I start to panic and flounder. SO I SHALL NOT THINK ABOUT IT.

p.s. this morning a bunch of jehovah's witnesses came evangelising at my door. And seriously I had nothing against that, until I told them my household's already christian so they didn't need to preach all the stuff about Who Is Jesus (seriously does anyone in london in this day and age not know who jesus is, please raise your hand)-- and they gave me a stifled 'oh you poor heathen are you sure' look, and informed me that during easter jesus was resurrected out of the grave, and with him everyone who was dead and buried in tombstones will likewise be resurrected. Living-dead style. REALLY? That would be cool.

Btw it's amazing how people can believe in the same God and the same Jesus yet have so starkly different views about everything else. Why can't this just be enough, without needing to form distinct 'denominations' segregating everyone up and creating internal strife? I probably am too ignorant (since I'm a lousy christian), but didn't jesus in the bible simply say to believe in him and in God and that is enough for one to be saved? The whole 'I am the way, the truth and the life' etc thing. So why have such strong views about things like the resurrection, or rapture, or speaking in tongues, or saints or purgatory, or even which books of the bible are orthodox or not, when it shouldn't matter? Not saying that people shouldn't think about such things. Just saying it's stupid to disagree so vehemently about them, so much so that people feel the need to say they belong to a certain denomination, and to only go to churches from that denomination and stuff like that.

Which reminds me of a long debate I was having with yiming about the mistakes of evangelism haha which maybe I will think about again when I'm bored.

Friday, April 29, 2011

6:55 PM

sylvia lim is DAMN inspiring in all her speeches omg love her

Thursday, April 28, 2011

11:21 PM

I am not my own person, but simply a reflection or reciprocation of whatever comes my way. But I am made this way-- not a thesis but rather an extrapolation. But by this I am who I am-- in being nothing one becomes something, in this case a mirrored perspective; one which cannot be changed for nurture is ultimately limited by what nature provides.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

5:15 PM

Haha love studying with everyone-- going off to our own corners in the library, and convening every few hours for lunch/tea/dinner, just to sit around and listen to the boys discuss singapore politics. Was never really interested in all this stuff until this year, then suddenly it all becomes so exciting! Haha.

1:14 AM

I need to marry the library. It rocks. Whoohoo <3

This is both the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

12:50 PM

seriously fuck it

Monday, April 25, 2011

10:00 PM

I hate myself during exam periods. I turn absolutely schizo. Some days start off perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden I feel like the world is crumbling and all I want to do is cry. For absolutely no reason at all. And then the moment passes and I feel alright again, until something sets me off. Things that would never bother me usually become something of life and death significance, and OMG suddenly the world hates me. Then sometimes life seems beautiful and I just want to laugh. Like now I feel really happy (for no reason I swear). 5 minutes ago I was so pissed I couldn't speak. 3 minutes ago I was on the verge of tears. HAHA. Tell me I'm not schizo.

I hate feeling like this. How does anyone get out of feeling like this? I don't think it's possible right since it's just stress talking and it's not like I can be unstressed with the exams looming ahead. Sian. I hope it passes.

11:25 AM

just read a page-long judgment on something and then right at the end the judge goes, 'this is not the case to express a view on this matter'. SERIOUSLY? after a page-long discussion about whether it should be A or B, you decide to wuss out on deciding? THANKS.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

5:59 PM

library oh library where art thou inviting presence? ): sigh. haven't been studying for the past 3 days, starbucks is super unconducive + not used to studying in the day. the weather is too lovely.

ps. someone is playing the saxophone somewhere outside! against the setting sun too. so much ambience for nothing hahaha okay yay going to have a romantic date with audrey now

1:52 PM

Today will be a good day. I will make it so.

You stood before my failure,

and carried the cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

my soul now to stand

So what can I say? What can I do?

But offer this heart, oh God

completely to You

9:49 AM

Happy easter everybody!

In 14 hours EVERYONE BEWARE. 40 days of not swearing (okay except on 3 occasions, 2 more forgivable than the last) and I feel in need of letting loose. whoohoo. No okay I should be good and clean my mouth up but seriously? whatever. There are things more important in this life.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

5:33 PM

SO DEAD. I have drunk the equivalent of 3 cups of coffee and still I am falling asleep. My friendly friend caffeine has lost its hold on meeeeeeee D:

12:26 PM

My public law textbook is written by a hyperactive child who can't focus on a single point without digressing into multiple separate points. I am extremely confused, and having been confused for 2 days, severely disheartened. And I can't even do anything about it because the frigging library is closed. ugh.

12:03 PM

killing me inside.

Friday, April 22, 2011

10:44 PM

Happy good friday!

Today is a day both of mourning and celebration, of the death of one and a new lease of life for all. Yay.

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

Thursday, April 21, 2011

6:44 AM

It's nearly 7am and I'm still in the LSE library, watching the sky brightening up. Am surprisingly awake and energetic, for the fact that I haven't slept in 24 hours. Gerald is fast asleep on the floor, because he is a loser. Haha the caffeine addict cannot beat the sheer willpower of the awesome me. I am that awesome. I want to continue studying because I still have so much energy (must be all the adrenaline from panicking realising that I'm stupid and slow) but my mind keeps zoning out. Although I feel normal, I cannot type properly and I am highly disturbed. I want to go back and sleep, but it's so late (or early) if I went home now to sleep, I'd wake up not seeing the sun for today. And I'm not sure I will survive the 20min walk back haha. More than that, the freaking library is closing at midnight until monday for easter. What are all the loserish mugger students like us going to do for the next 3 days when there's nowhere we can study at night??? Live like a normal person? Catch up on sleep? Pui. Such naivety.

Okay let us not waste my energy typing down frivolous thoughts and FOCUS.

2:57 AM

YAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNETTE LEE!!!!!!!!!

please be honoured that I put in so much effort for your bday, effort being totally relative seeing how I've never done anything for anyone before hohohoho (so selfish right I know)

I LOVE YOU AND IM SORRY I COULDN'T FLY BACK, WANTED TO BUT YOU KNOW. EXAMS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU, BITCH. (kidding)

Hee hee feeling very happy now for no reason at all. Festive mood. Whoohoo!

ps I can't believe we're having a whatsapp conversation about the type of starbucks coffee we order every day. HAHA. caffeine addicts

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

7:28 PM

Sometimes I wonder if there will be a day where I finally feel grown up. There are still days when I think, god I am such a little kid. Those are the times where the world overwhelms me, and I just feel like cowering under my duvet in the safety of knowing that there are other people out there, braver and more determined than I am, who can deal with my mess.

But then there are moments when I look back at myself say a year ago, and I realise how much I've sobered up (haha not in a drunk sense). 10 years later I am going to look at myself now, where I am, and think about how immature I was once. And 10 years after that, the person 10 years from now would be young and idealistic as well. So when will be the day where I can finally declare with certainty that I have joined the ranks of the adults? At which point will such a development go from being immature to mature, to simply being mature and more mature? Is this transition a question of fact or of degree?

The only answer I can think of right now is-- the day I can freaking STOP BLOGGING INANE NONSENSE and concentrate on my book. Please do not despise me for my retarded entries hahahaha because I am despising myself already, and one cannot have too many people despising her at a go

3:59 PM

TOO HOT TO STUDY. pants.

Need to find some way to turn my sleep cycle around, it's depressing to wake up to a dying sun

12:52 AM

An open relationship is really something rather admirable. Not in the fact that it is disguised polygamy in action, but that it requires the coming together of two highly rational individuals, who are able to compartmentalise the emotional aspects of their lives in what is, if you think about it, a very logical fashion.

Of course, some people may not agree from experience that it is natural for people to have feelings for more than one other person at a time. But scientifically this is true at least to a certain degree-- humans aren't absolutely built to be monogamous, more so for men than women (haha! you can go do more google research on this to prove me wrong). Logically if you see attraction as simply a chemical reaction owed to pheromones doing their job, it is inevitable that such a reaction could occur with just about any individual of the opposite gender you meet (whose pheromones agree with you). I know that attraction also has to do with a whole load of other variables, such as religion and character and stuff like that, but that doesn't serve to undermine my point-- my point being that it is perfectly natural for a person to like more than one other person at any moment in time.

Why then do I think people who can do open relationships are admirable? Because they recognise that above point, and accept that it is natural. Simply because two people are in a committed relationship does not mean that they cannot find others attractive. In most normal relationships, these feelings are repressed, whether out of a fear of hurting the other half's feelings, or because societal norms dictate that such an attraction is immoral. However, the acceptance of this natural occurrence isn't the impressive part of all this. It's that these people can rationalise their feelings to such an extent that it does not matter to them whether or not their other half has other sexual partners or are in other relationships. The fact remains that the couple has deep feelings for each other, and that is enough. Then again I'm not saying that all open relationships are built upon this premise-- I'm sure many out there only exist because the guy is horny and wants to bang other chicks, and the girl is too 'in love' to let go. But ultimately, the latter kind of relationship would escalate into nothing less than disaster. It is not sustainable, and not the kind that I'm referring to.

Some people might say (hoho weasel words) that the whole idea of a relationship is the commitment part of it all. You know, choosing to exclusively see someone shows that you are being committed. But if you think about it, commitment doesn't necessitate sole exclusivity. You can be committed to your studies while being committed to playing basketball. So why can't two people be committed to each other, while seeing other people? Whether a person is 'playing' another should not depend upon an objective view of things (i.e. he is dating girl x but seeing girl y on the side therefore he is playing) but on a subjective examination of the person's mind. If a person genuinely believes that he is committed to another, then that's all that should matter.

Just as a side note I'm not advocating cheating while being in a normal relationship haha all this I am saying with regards to an open relationship. The whole premise of an open relationship rests on the word 'open', i.e. you actually tell your other half that you're sleeping or seeing other people. If you're seeing other people on the side without your other half knowing, then there is no rationality and reasoning involved in this and you're just a horny dirty lying scumbag.

Haha I have no idea why I'm discussing this. Just thought that I would never ever be able to be in one, because I'm not so highly evolved as to be able to rationally accept that a guy I like likes other girls. I, like most other girls, have the natural propensity to be a jealous obsessive bitch. Ahahaha. Not that that's a bad thing. It's actually natural to be irrational anyway and we all have tendencies to want to possess stuff. Isn't it amazing how 'natural' can be used to describe so many mannerisms and individual instincts even though these may clash horribly?

Monday, April 18, 2011

8:53 PM

And all I see are dark grey clouds

in the distance moving closer with every hour

So when you ask, 'is something wrong?'

I think, 'damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now'

No, we can't talk about it now.

listening to the same emo song repeated over and over and over and over again lets me concentrate better hahahah oh my I am such an inherently angsty kid

Sunday, April 17, 2011

10:29 PM

hahaha I keep getting staticked by this table I am mugging on this is annoyingly hilarious

3rd post today omg how bored am I

damnit the current travelled up my necklace and shocked my neck. I hate this table.

ps. it is very easy to rationalise things away and every day, every week, every month and every year I get better and better at it

3:47 PM

PHWOAR.

annoying the hell out of me. no idea where all this tension is coming from suddenly. maybe the world is pmsing

1:04 PM

Yay I love coming to school on sunday. The really high barista recognised me and gave me a huge slice of chocolate cake for being a 'very loyal starbucks customer'. Even though my throat is dying (hypochondriac me thinking about throat cancer. feels like someone punched me in the throat really hard) I am going to finish my cup of latte and my slice of chocolate cake and concentrate reeeeaaallyyy hard today. Because I gave up and went home early yesterday hehe. Brought me spectacles along in the anticipation of a late night because right now is so not the time to be vain ahaha SIAN. how to attract the ahking shop owner to get discounts on dinner later.

MY POSTS ARE SO MUNDANE. I am self-entertaining.

Living on a diet of chocolates and cigarettes

(I wanna call you again)

I drink tea sometimes, when it's cold

This is getting old

(I call you again)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

10:21 PM

It's still early but my eyes have already dried out. Everything looks blurred. Feel like going back home and studying so that I can read in specs (for the zillionth time: remember to bring specs out). Afraid that I would simply lie in bed and surf facebook the entire night, which is the virtually certain consequence of going back now.

Panicking. Exactly one more month. Going to fail. Dies. Have like zero confidence at all this year. Ugh. Probably has to do with the fact that I'm really not interested in most of this year's topics. Distancing out most of the time while mugging-- not good. Sigh. Accepted my fate

1:12 AM

A close friend once told me that life would only be a great disappointment if you take everything to heart. He said that once he dropped all expectations of everyone, he couldn't be hurt anymore, and living becomes so much easier.

I can't decide still if I agree with that.

Friday, April 15, 2011

1:32 PM

RAR I HATE PMS. Makes me become a weepy whiny bitch. Need to get over this asap.

Instead of carving up the wall

why don't you open up, we talk?

I am ready I am ready for a fall

Thursday, April 14, 2011

11:41 PM

Back from amsterdam! City which just reeks of weed, I officially hate that smell even more than I hate cigarette smoke. Audrey and I feel like we've traversed every single h&m there were in amsterdam, and I've possibly tried on every single nice thing h&m is having in stores at the moment ahha

Landed down and was immediately overwhelmed with emotions, I don't know why. Tired maybe? Just want to bathe, and then crawl into bed and cry to sleep. Wake up tomorrow and it'll be another fine day, and life will be good again.

Hey there delilah,

what's it like in New York city?

I'm a thousand miles away, but girl

tonight you look so pretty, yes you do

Times square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true

Monday, April 11, 2011

4:30 PM

Why does no one like hellogoodbye? D: No one wants to go to their gig with me ): anyone? 1st june!

Hehe excited about summer! No idea who I'm going to travel with/ where we're going to go (except that sean's coming over and we're going to liverpool for the beatles tour!), but just thinking about summer makes me feel happy (:

You are the one, the one who lies close to me

whispers, 'hello, I miss you quite terribly'

I fell in love, in love with you suddenly

and there's no place else I could be, but here in your arms.

1:14 AM

Wearing skirts really lets you get away with everything hahahhaa

Dinner-- 20% off the bill whoohoo!

Who cares about feminism

GOOD DAY. Dun feel like studying at all!! The holiday to amsterdam round the corner is damn distracting. YAY TULIPS IN 2 DAYS!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

4:21 PM

Oh god the barista in starbucks is HIGH. Hahahahaha. He just gave me a free muffin (yay raspberry and peach!) and a free white chocolate raspberry treat :D HAPPY.

1,2,3,4 tell me that you love me more

sleepless long nights

that is what my youth is for

12:31 AM

The random cocktail of caffeine, sugar and paracetamol coursing through my veins leaves me with an unsettling feeling. Gloomy days of adulthood impending-- hopefully not in this fashion; drugged and fidgety as I work my way through the day (or more aptly, night)

Saturday, April 09, 2011

7:12 PM

My new wake up song haha. Trying very hard to make everyday feel more meaningful than just studying. Seriously the only things getting me through the tediousness of mugging are the happy songs I'm listening to on my itouch right now.

Friday, April 08, 2011

4:21 PM

And there's gold, falling from the ceiling of this world
Falling from the heartbeat of this girl,
Falling from the things we could have learnt
Falling from the things we could have heard.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

5:20 PM

Academic legal arguments are just like church sermons, and for that matter, newsarticles-- people tend to take words out of their whole contexts and twist them into a fashion suitable to their views. Explains my skepticism and growing jadedness towards latter parts of church services (haha sometimes it seems like too much effort to go to church just for praise and worship). Especially hate it when pastors take miniscule twists of phrasing or single words from an obscure verse to mean something dramatically significant. For example, 'in the book of ____, A uses the word ___ x number of times! And the word appears again in the book of ___! This means that ___ is really important'!' or 'referring to (some really obscure verse with a really obscure storybase), you can see by analogy that God is actually telling you to blah blah blah'. It just exposes their ignorance (or their blatant disregard for their audiences' intellect) about the bible. I mean, how much is your preaching worth if all you're banking upon are technicalities of phrasing or wording of a bible which has been rephrased, reworded and retranslated a countless number of times? If you argue that it doesn't matter, that these pastors actually mean well by teaching their following good life techniques and whatnot-- then don't bank it upon the Bible. Don't put words into God's proverbial mouth. It just discounts whatever good comes out of the sermon. Which brings it all back to the issue-- if a sermon isn't based upon the Bible, then what difference would it be from some lifeskill course any old person can sign up for? WELL. EASY ANSWER. Do your bloody research properly before preaching. The right way of making a sermon is to read the bible and then think about what God wants His people to learn; it's plainly wrong to think of what you want His people to know, and then proceeding to the Bible to find bits and phrases that you can twist to support your baseless theories.

I'm not saying that all pastors or preachers do this, I'm just saying that many do. Which is why I (and jeremy) don't like many churches. Of course, its probably true that some form of learning from the Bible is better than none at all (seeing how I don't actually go read the Bible haha!) but I'm a young, easily distracted and disillusioned person. As can be seen from how reading an academic paper turned into a long rant about church sermons. So I must be forgiven whee.

I'm hungry.

3:15 PM

To whoever feels unhappy on this very fine afternoon (: days such as these make me want to dress up and strut outside, with happy music blasting into my ears and a smile on my face. and when the sun strikes my face I'd whip out my sunglasses and look cool. just like in some advert. HAHA. but no I'm not cool enough sadly. can only sit in this room and watch tissue paper floating off the roof of the oldbuilding where people are eating al fresco and enjoying the sunlight while it lasts

1:38 PM

Dirty old river, must you keep rolling

Flowing into the night.

People so busy, makes me feel dizzy

Taxi light shines so bright.

But I don't need no friends;

As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset,

I am in paradise.

Sun's so bright, wish we weren't studying

Monday, April 04, 2011

8:38 PM

The problem with studying with audrey is that we always end up having these discourses that last for hours haha.

I realised this year how much my view on life and the world has changed, compared to last year. I think last year I was so self-absorbed in my pitiful lonely state (let's be euphemistic and call it self-growth and learning to be more independent) that I never realised that london was a context in which this internal development should have been seeded in. Perhaps it's not so much london, than being out of singapore, through which these series of epiphanies came about.

I wish I could write down all that I've discovered and finally understood, so that it seems less of an airy-fairy abstract notion than what I'm putting out there, but I can't. Not just because I am bonded (and hence cannot say anything out of character), but more because I don't know how to put it down into a coherent paragraph. None of these insights are even linked in any fashion more characteristically than the fact that I never saw things this way before. All I know is that I was once a person facing the blank wall in Plato's proverbial cave, watching the shadows flit across my vision. And coming to london is like momentarily turning back to look at the light-- you realise that there's a world out there, living life differently. I don't know whether going back to singapore this summer will be disconcerting with these images fresh in my mind, and I sincerely hope it wouldn't be. But then again, I also hope that when I go back to singapore for good I won't forget that flash of light I've seen, and become accustomed to the dark again. Does that sound too dramatic? It's the best analogy I could think of. And I just realised it's very easy to misconstrue this into something highly offensive (i.e. singapore= dark), but really I don't mean it that way.

You never realise how narrow your mind is until you're forced to see that what others out there are doing, or seeing, or saying, aren't as unorthodox or shocking as you once thought they were. There was a time I thought the acceptance of all this was simply disillusionment, but in truth it is nothing more than the start of the broadening of my own mind. And now I embrace it. Awkwardly, but at least I'm making a start.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

8:35 PM

I have exceedingly bad luck over here in london it seems, for I have just lost my fucking handphone. Like losing my wallet + ic TWICE isn't bad enough.

On the bright side, I've lost extremely valuable things frequently enough to not be overly upset and simply be damn fucking sian about it. I hope the stupid bastard who took my precious bb and turned it off gets so enamoured with it that he walks out onto the fucking road and gets hit by the biggest truck london has. I fucking mean it. Bastard.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

11:12 PM

Fell sick fever ): feel awful.

2:22 AM

An april fool's joke is not funny if people believe everything you say immediately -.- no kick