Wednesday, June 29, 2011

7:47 PM

I am currently in a happy place, here where a bizarre balancing exercise of a quiet but deep-running sort of sadness? pensiveness? meets with an inexplicable brimming of barely restrainable exuberance. I don't know what to call it, but it's on the verge of collapsing into one way or the other and I'll miss it when it's gone.

I love this song. When I listen to it with my eyes closed I imagine myself riding a bicycle in a world tinted with old around the edges and with daisies floating lazily about in the air like soap bubbles.

5:33 PM

"不在乎天长地久, 只在乎曾经拥有。"

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

8:07 AM

Sometimes I wish I was a big, strapping lad, then I can travel wherever I want, do whatever I want without being (or seeming to be) afraid of anything.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

7:42 PM

The problem (if there was one) was simply a problem with the question. He wants to paint a bird, needs to, and the problem is why. Why paint a bird? Why do anything at all? Not how, because hows are easy, series or sequence, one foot after the other, but existentially why bother, what does it solve? Be the tree, solve for bird. What does that mean? It’s a problem of focus, it’s a problem of diligence, it’s supposed to be a grackle but it sort of got away from him. But why not let the colors do what they want, which is blend, which is kind of neighborly, if you think about it. Blackbird, he says. So be it. Indexed and normative. Who gets to measure the distance between experience and its representation? Who controls the lines of inquiry? He does, but he’s not very good at it. And just because you want to paint a bird, do actually paint a bird, it doesn’t mean you’ve accomplished anything. Maybe if it was pretty, it would mean something. Maybe if it was beautiful it would be true. But it’s not, not beautiful, not true, not even realistic, more like a man in a birdsuit, blue shoulders instead of feathers, because he isn’t looking at a bird, real bird, as he paints, he is looking at his heart, which is impossible, unless his heart is a metaphor for his heart, as everything is a metaphor for itself, so that looking at the page is like looking out the window at a bird in your chest with a song in its throat that you don’t want to hear but you paint anyway because the hand is a voice that can sing what the voice will not and the hand wants to do something useful. Sometimes, at night, in bed, before I fall asleep, I think about a poem I might write, someday, about my heart, says the heart. Answer: be the heart.

Answer: be the hand. Answer: be the bird. Answer: be the sky.

- THE PROBLEM, Richard Siken

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

7:12 PM

Just as I was about to go to bed tonight I decided to check my email, and there I clicked on the SQAlert to figure out what time my flight to bangkok would be tomorrow morning.... when I saw the date '23 june' and the time '0710hrs' and my heart totally stopped cold. BECAUSE TODAY IS 23 JUNE HAHAHA IM FLYING OFF TO BANGKOK IN APPROXIMATELY 5 HOURS, AND I JUST FOUND OUT AN HOUR AGO!

The best part was how auds refused to believe me when I called her (and interrupted her monologue about how I sound so different over the phone with an AUDREY WE HAVE A CRISIS) until she checked her flight, then we just burst out laughing like idiots. And I am so amazed at how well my parents are taking this, I thought they'd flip out but my mum just said 'oh well looks like you have to start packing now!' and my dad just offered to drive me to the airport. Looks like adulthood comes with its benefits ahaha.

Here's to the craziness of youth! Aaaand once again, bye singapore xo

4:10 PM

I AM GROWING FAT.

I go out for dinner with friends every night, have dessert, then come home and eat dinner again. Ahaha. Okay I need to exercise. Not that it's easy-- I really tried, sometime last week... but I almost died of heatstroke in the supposedly airconditioned gym in this stupid condo. I have no idea why spore airconditioning feels so weak nowadays?? Isit just me I think it's just me. SIGH.

Bangkok in 2 days!

Monday, June 20, 2011

10:09 AM

Singapore is so...... boring. Humid. Stifling. I thought I would be okay with this but somehow I'm not.

Looks like things have changed.

Friday, June 17, 2011

5:09 AM

I am back in singapore. Wow.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

1:04 PM

It's been an (un) surprisingly good 4 days in london! Catching up with good friends I haven't seen or talked to properly in months-- our favourite bibimbap lunch and shopping with audrey, drinking and chatting with becca, awesome coffee and gossipgirl with v, making berns wait for me while I shop (hehe) and then dinner, and when the lazy pig finally wakes up later, shopping + dinner with joel. I sound like I shop alot :/ but they're all for a purpose!! Okay why am I justifying me to myself I'm so stupid.

My room is still in a huge mess and I just cleaned out the disgusting fridge (there was a rotting tomato in the vegetable box, kill me now). Life feels so chill now! I wish I had just one more lovely day in this lovely place ahh but SINGAPORE BECKONS. It's going to be another whirlwind of 2 weeks (can't wait) before my internship starts and life settles into a monotonous humdrum once again.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

10:46 PM

Today feels like the closing of a new chapter

Before the earth was round,
There was no end to things
No one tried to measure what they knew

Everything was warm
And everyone would love
And every contradiction was true
The sun worked twice as hard
And the moon was twice as far
And the sky was still honestly blue

The sky was still honestly blue

But when the time came
Everything spiraled in
And everyone forgot what they knew

War became a job
And love became a mystery
And heart and head were rend into two
Fear and doubt began
And God threw up his hands
And the sky didn't know what to do

The sky didn't know what to do
The sky didn't know what to do

1:42 AM

Sometimes there are these emotions or thoughts that I just cannot articulate out eloquently, or even adequately, things that need to come out in a precisely abstract fashion which makes sense in an instinctive kind of way. And it frustrates me when I can't pin it down right.

I will figure it out somehow.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

11:10 PM

So, so so so exhausted right now that I feel overwhelmed by life.

I NEED SLEEP.

My plans to sleep keep getting thwarted. Like yesterday when our flight back from venice was delayed for 6 bloody hours, and we had to play cards and sleep on the floor in the airport amidst noisy and annoying teens ugh.

Everyone is leaving me tomorrow! ): It's like a mass exodus of my friends and I'll be left all alone in london for the next 4 days. Oh well not like it's a very bad thing, somehow I feel like I need alot of time alone right now after the whirlwind of activity that's been going on since exams ended. It's just rather weird how things are so open-ended now, with everyone being so busy flying off to places that I've only managed to give them the most perfunctory of goodbyes. And I'm a little apprehensive about summer as well. Last year was much easier going back, because I was just dying to. But this time it's different-- I actually like London very much this time around, and so many of my (new) friendships exist in this particular context that it makes me wonder if things would change when we fly back. I'm sure it will be different, vastly different in fact. I just don't know if it'll change things fundamentally? And that kinda scares me, in a very 'I'm thinking too much but I can't help thinking' kind of way.

Okay I don't think anyone but myself can understand how I feel right now, and I know I'm only feeling this way cos I'm really tired, so I shall stop now. In fact I think I'm going to shift to livejournal.... very soon.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

9:59 PM

It's been such a week and it's still going on. Haven't had enough sleep-- my eyebags are so huge, it's disgusting.

Oh god, all I really, really want to do right now is to spend the next week in my bed watching lame shows. That'll be the bestest summer plan ever.